babies

On a whim I decided to visit my old blog this morning.  I’m pretty floored at how intuitive this draft post actually was.  I’m really happy our family is now complete, and most of all I am happy that our Estella is a part of it.  

*ORIGINALLY WRITTEN NOVEMBER 9, 2009* (saved as draft)

picture by mady,5

f you know me, you know that before i had kids, i only wanted A kid. maybe two.
then my baby mady was born, and you could have signed me up right there for fifteen more. i've since had visions of suburbans and fifteen passenger vans filled with cute carseats lined up in a row and my cherub babies in them. visions of piles of babies lined up at the bar for a snack, in a row changing diapers, just lots and lots of babies.

christian is the youngest of eight. he was ready for fatherhood the day we were married, he's always loved and wanted lots of kids.

before we had any, we settled on three.
then i had mady, and you've heard that part.
so we settled on six. we figured a 2 year space for each, and i'll be done with pregnancy by 37. still late for me but hopefully we'll get a 2 for 1.

on the drive home from our first overwhelmingly difficult overnight trip with all three kids, christian said,

i think i'd be fine with just four.
and maybe we should wait longer between the next one.
i absolutely agreed. it was a rough trip.  we were ready to ditch one out the window.

since gavin was born, i've had the occasional feeling that someone is missing. all the kids will be right here and accounted for, and i will think- where's . . .
but there isn't anyone else. all the kids are right here, but it seems like someone isn't here. like when one of your children is playing at a friend's house, or back in a bedroom, or...

tonight christian told me he got the feeling someone was missing.
perhaps someone is.

pregnancy and infant loss awareness day

October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Today I am thinking of all the mamas dear to me who have suffered loss and who have arms aching to hold babies never met and babies taken too soon.   My candle is burning for you all day, and my thoughts and prayers are with you!
 

kindy mady

happiness. 

 a sad mommy.
 just us, again.

kissing your new kindergartener goodbye is a bittersweet symphony to be sure. 
we followed the excited girl bobbing down the hallway to her classroom, her huge backpack bouncing behind her little body and bright eyes and long legs.  christian led us down the sunny open hallway to her classroom, the very same kindergarten classroom he went to: a huge room filled with sunlight and carpet and desks and colors and joy and letters and numbers and books.  we stood solemnly at the back of the room as madelyn hapily found her yellow namecard and took her seat, she strong and happy, we nervous and reticent, watching the baby we *just* held in our arms testing her wings.  she blew kisses and gave excited smiles.  we stood by: the ones who made her, who know her, who love her, who smile because she smiles.  we hear the symphony of school begin, and know it is time. our goodbyes are sweet and quick, i love you and kisses from across the classroom.   humbled, christian and i walked out side by side, knowing that a lifetime of her leaving us behind has begun, that we are now cheering her on from the sidelines instead of carrying her on our backs.  still we carry her in our hearts all the time.  driving home, our hearts were heavy with our love for her and our eyes showed it.
she is our madelyn and today she is a kindergartener.

perfectly imperfect

madelyn was a perfect baby.
after waiting three long long first time whale expectant mother days past my due date and starting to feel like maybe the extra 50 pounds i was carrying was perhaps not a baby after all, my labor started.  all the fear of childbirth and worry of my inexperience faded quickly.  i had a patient and peaceful and steady delivery, and my mady was born healthy and true.  she was beautiful, perfect and fat.  you could hardly see her nose for the size of her cheeks.  she was creamy and first gray then pink, glowing with vibrance and life.  she was an adorable bundle of all of our dreams come true, bathed and swaddled and capped.  though i didn't realize until i saw the pictures many weeks later, she also looked like she just got punched in the face.

seriously. 
she had red and swollen eyes, black circles, bruised cheeks, and a conehead.  i found out later that christian had consulted with the nurses behind my back about her severe conehead-  he was worried she was misshapen for life.  when i got her hospital pictures in the mail about two months later, i   g a s p e d   when i saw them.  my 'perfect idyllic newborn first professional picture dreams' were not the pictures i held in my hands.  i considered throwing the pictures away!   this wasn't the perfect glowing healthy newborn i remembered.  luckily my perfectionism was replaced by reason.  i kept the pictures.  i now understand how shallow, how ungrateful i was for my completely perfect and healthy (bruised) baby!

five and a half years later, the battered newborn madelyn pictures are amongst my prized posessions.  to me they are the sweetest and most beautiful pictures i have.  my heart swells with love and tenderness for my sweet baby girl that worked so hard to fight her way into this world.  we worked together to fight her into this world.  i love her bruises and swollen eyes.  i love her little conehead.  i love her in her imperfection, and i wouldn't change a thing about how she looked that day.

i think about the role that perfectionism plays in my life.  i think perfectionism is one of the "big ones" that satan uses to tear us down.  discouragement and dissapointment are sure when your standard is perfection.  perfectionism is a distraction from living in the now, from being happy with what you are and what you have in this moment.  i can see it in so many ways in my life, discouraging me and pulling me away from enjoying the unbelievably beautiful and perfect life i have.  in my eyes, Godly perfection is different from the kind of perfectionism sickness i am talking about here.  my search for spiritual perfection is patient and paced and balanced and kind.   as i seek for Godly perfection, i feel uplifted and encouraged.  on the other hand- my frustrating quest for well behaved children, a pristine home, the perfect pumps, the best meal, perfectly placed toyroom, the right drapes, no fewer than two dishes in the sink, perfectly organized cupboards and drawers, sticky hand print free walls- this is what makes me feel crazy and discouraged and overwhelmed and depressed.  it is too easy for me to simply focus on the getting to the destination and not enjoy the journey as i go.
three babies under 5 has made me face the fact that something has to give.  i gave the supermom thing a good run for a kid or two but i can no longer constantly worry about the crumbs on the rug next to my giggling babies.  being perfectly imperfect means having to choose between "good, better and best."  it means worrying more about the babies on the rug than the rug the babies are on or what the babies wear to play on it.

the beauty in imperfection, in gratitude, in patience, in joy, in everything wonderful about life is epitomized in the way i feel when i look at that perfectly imperfect picture of my madelyn.
she was never more beautiful, just as we all are, as we are, to our Father in Heaven.  as we work so hard to fight our way through this world.  as we work together with Him to fight our way through this world.
i want to see the beauty in myself and my life that He does.  in my imperfection.  in my discouragement.
conehead, crumbs, bumps, bruises and all.

ok, ro, i'm telling you really.

what a sad, sad, sad,

neglected

blog.

my dear friend Ro {as in rochelle, you see I am ra,}  Ro is pregnant with her third babe, yay!

she sent me this (unanswered) facebook message a month ago asking me if  having three kids is hard:

so let's take it back to junior high. (hello awkwardness, i remember you!) do you remember feeling nervous and scared and intimated to go to high school?  but then you got to high school, and it was a little harder, but you could still handle it fine and everything worked out better than you thought?   ya, it's like that.   (except without acne, prom, or self-conciousness.)

hard?  no.   busy?  yes.

   let's be honest, just keeping them all fed and
watered and snacked is a full time job. 

factor in the diaper changes (if i had a dollar for every bum i wiped in a day!)  the sleepy cuddling, the stories, the mommy play with me, the swinging, the getting ready for school/packing snack/fixing hair/wait you need a jacket/handwash/nose wipe/shoes tied, the apres-head bonk cuddling, the time outing, the stain pre-treating, the fight refereeing, the baby chub admiring, the getting a drink of water/juice/milk/i don't want that mom, the, uh, online clothes shopping so they are so ca-ute you could eat them, the show turning-on, the art project setup and cleanup, the nursing while reading a story/cuddling 2-3 at once/refereeing, the locking yourself in the bathroom for a moment of peace but they still bang on the door and need to talk right NOW, the tickling, cooking dinner with a baby on your hip and two more whining in the background, the cleaning up rice/noodles/cereal under the chairs, the whine policing, the seatbelt buckling, the FHEing, the blowing bubbling, the picking up toys, the sunbeam song singing, the hair washing fights, the kissing owies, the all-nighters, the raspberry blowing, the onesie changing, the bed tucking, the temperature checking, SUNDAY MORNING, the dressing and undressing-  and redressing-  and changing-  and OH-LIVIA where are your pants!?!

Sigh.

don't be nervous.  it is as beautiful as it is busy.  it is balancing babies.  you are ready.  let me just tell you the thing about three:  usually only two will cry at once.  it's like nature's threshold or something.   my best piece of crisis advice for you and three:  if all three cry, join in with dramatic flair.  i guarantee at least two of the three will laugh.

and     everything     will     be     okay.

love, ra

{hopefully you will be much more amazing than I and make time for blogging and answering messages}

our 2009

january: morning sickness/threatened miscarriage/3 weeks bedrest/livs broke her armfebruary: bed rest worked-baby ok and coming august/it's a BOY!/got valentine the mini horsemarch: christian planted a billion potatoes/mady played bball in her first church tournament

april: madelyn scowls through the easter program, says her 'legs hurt' may: san carlos, mx with friends/valentine has a baby, and its a mule

june: potatoes growing/ christian working like crazy/ starting to count our chickens/ grandpa mark comes to visit!

july: felt like i was about to have a baby/still a potato widow/spent as much time as possible in the pool

august: GAVIN! 8 lbs 8 oz, 22 in/ livs turned 2/the great potato harvest/my mom planned to come for 1 week and stayed for 3 because it was so nuts around here/mady started pre-kinder, possibly the busiest month of my life

september: the two smother mothers smother lover baby gavin, gavin replaces christian as the girls favorite person ever

october: girls take ballet/ dress as princesses for halloween

november: mady has the best birthday ever/ we spend a fun quaint thanksgiving at the ranch with the whole famdam

december: disneyland, sea world and christmas in one month, possibly the best month ever

our year in pictures.

late for a new year post, on january 15--

the way i roll since baby #3.

just ask anyone who goes to church with me.

waiting in the hallway is the prayer over yet? try the door. did you try the door? listen. are they praying?

sneaking in,

five luggage-sized heavy bags of gear, baby and moses basket in one hand toddler on other, ushering 5 year old along hurryupwearelate!!!!

adjusting 5yrolds headband/bows/hairfix, again, again, again,

adjusting 2yrolds headband/bows/hairfix, again, again, again,

your shoes are on the wrong feet, switch your shoes, hurry, hurry did you use the potty this morning?

back row, go on, sit down, go on, sit down, go on, go on, shhhhh shhhh shhhhh,

you can have a snack after sacrament shhhh, after sacrament shhhh, AFTER the sacrament shhhhhh,

hon, next week we should wake up at 6am,

shoot i forgot x for sharing time/nursery/primary, will you run home and get x during sunday school?

every week we're ten minutes late

i new years resolve to make it on time in 2010.

i like alot of things about babies

at two months old

i love
the dimples on his knuckles.
that little neck that hides under his big cute face.
little hands and fingers that hold my finger.
bright blue big glossy eyes.
that nursing blister on his upper lip, just under the cupid's bow.
the shape of his mouth.
big jerky leg kicks.
baby scowls.
fat cheeks, little chin.
batting fists.
cooing.
eyelashes.
bald spots in the back.
big mustardy blowouts.
peaceful bathtime.
smiles.
sock fuzz between tiny toes.

baby breath.

my other man

gavin james is here and he's perfect.

and for this one, i was patient. i was patiently 9 months pregnant for once, ready to wait this baby boy out.

but. he was induced 7 days after my due date after an ultrasound revealed that the umbilical cord was tightly wrapped around his neck. my doctor said i was lucky to deliver him naturally, in most cases a cord that tight has to be delivered via c-section.

my labor was patient and painless for the first four hours, and not so much the second four hours. this was my easiest labor so far, not counting the magical "golden epidural" experience i had with my firstborn. there is no golden epidural in mexico. they basically just take the edge off of the pain with some dumb walking epidural. but you can't beat a four doctor team taking care of you, all for the low low price of 15000 pesos ($1200 US.) i suggested cj spend the difference on some jewels for the momma. (seems fair, doesn't it?) and he did! i love him.

the recovery has been slow but easy. my sweet mom took care of my demands for the first week after gavin was born, was going to leave, and then stayed an extra week. how could she resist me and my raging post-partum hormones (the crying,) my crazy demands, my perfectionism, my unrealistic expectations of order in my home, etc. thank you mom, for loving me when i am SO unloveable. my mom is like the #1 nurturer, if you know her, you know that. she reminded me to baby her baby, me. after my mumma left, my two maids stepped in (story to follow.) they have been heavensent. i actually have time to get ready daily, have a clean and organized home and am current on laundry, all with three babies under four years old and including a newborn. an anomaly, so i've heard.

our gavin was born with a head full of dark hair. he looks just like christian and charmed with with his sweetness from the moment we met, just like his daddy did.
he's 5 weeks old now, and starting to coo and smile. his look is changing from sleepy to awake, from smashed and wrinkled to wide eyed and chubby. his hands are inflating with fat by the day, and the little fat bands around his wrists are getting deeper. he let me sleep from 11pm-6am the last two nights in a row! i love him.
we couldn't be happier that he's here and he's been such an exciting addition to our little family. we love him so much and are already greedy for more.

so it was easter

and we woke up to a chocolate candy breakfast.
headed for church (some of us a half hour late,) after spending way too much time getting ready for sunday dinner and not enough time getting ready for church. the irony is that i missed the sacrament on the day i sent homemade bread for it, because the bread always tastes like laundry soap and i cringe to eat it and the one sunday it didn't i missed it. of course this all comes second to missing the symbolism of the sacrament on Easter. and christian even blessed it. better luck next year.

madelyn looked a picture but once she got onstage to sing with the primary she offered but a scowlfest. upon returning to sit with the family she explained that she couldn't sing because her legs hurt. her legs didn't seem to hurt much the rest of the afternoon hunting for eggs and playing with her cousins. better luck next year.

we tried for the requisite family picture. the self timer and trampoline did not make a good combo. this is definitely not the best family picture ever. better luck next year.
we spent the afternoon with our extended family and had a blast laughing and talking and eating until five hours in, when olivia smashed her hand in the door. she's alright.
we had a perfect easter and i wouldn't change a thing.

not bed rest.

the first couple of days you think,
you mean the doctor is telling me it's okay to sit in bed all day, watching tv and internet shopping the day away, without need for things like jeans, or makeup, or even shoes?
and it is fun, for a couple of days.
then you're tired of being inside all day. you want to go for a walk, fix your hair, feel the sun on your face, make homemade pasta, get groceries, go to el paso, lift your baby up when she cries.
laying in bed all day is not all it's cracked up to be.

p.s. now that the secret is out (way too early but we had to tell cause i'm in bed!) and all my fave friends realize that even the sight of the computer made me nauseous for two months (great for saving money!) i will catch up on all your blogs. i'm back! (i think.)

abandonado

before you left tonight i made sure every piece of your hair was curled and glittered. i layered a sweater over your leotard under your costume so every bit of your baby body will be warm in the cool fall air. eat some dinner, play nice with sadie, have fun, i will miss you my love.
sending you out the door, i a dumpy sick mess of pj's and ponytail, you all curly and glittery and fabulous, i realized your life outside of me. i will not always put the last curl in your hair. i will not always be your last kiss of the night. you are growing, and as many times as i ask you (always nicely,) baby, please stop growing, you still do. i feel entitled to your every kiss your every hug your everything because you came from me. though you came from me, through me, and although for a time you are my baby, you are always you. your life is yours and is infinitely connected to mine but not mine. though it would be fun to keep you home in my big bed and cuddle and watch pooh's heffalump halloween movie together, for you there is fun to be had and trunk or treating to do.
when you were new to toddling around and you were the smallest boss this house ever had, you would cry if i stepped outside to see if it was snowing, to check if we needed sweaters, to get the mail. your cry, with all the emotion an abandoned baby could muster, would pierce my heart through the door and i would rush to you, hugging you, telling you over and over that momma's here, momma didn't go. and i didn't.
now you're the one on the other side of the door. my heart misses you my mady, not just for this hour without you, but for all the vibrant life you're going to live away from me.
now i know why you cried like that when i left you on this side of the door.

mommy and the fib.

mommy, what is this, in my soup?
beans, honey.
no, this.
just hamburger, baby.
no, this crunchy thing.
it's corn.
no. this.
carrot.
not the carrots. this. the crunchy thing. is this onion?
no my sweet. that's celery honey. eat up.
yum yum. i love celery.
i love soup, mommy.

the wannabe picky eater finished all the onion laden soup.
i have a sneaking suspicion that this family is going to be eating a lot more celery.
and i'm not sorry.

pajama mady.

because on a busy day it's okay to wear pajamas until it's time to wear pajamas again

and your mom should still take your picture, and not think,
oh, i'll just wait until after bathtime or tommorrow or later.

because mady you're beautiful and your eyes have some kind of glow
(and those eyelashes, someday you will thank your daddy)
they outshine pajamas anyday.

"mommy, is it time for my ice bath? is an ice bath cold?"
a nice bath baby. it's time for a nice warm bath.

i love this girl.

p.s. madelyn i think your dear lambie needs a bath too.

schools out.

from the moment she was concieved, we coddled her.

i mean i stopped painting my nails dedicated. and toenails! (i heard there is formaldehyde in nailpolish.) and stopped drinking diet cokes. big sacrifices for me.

her first two years were filled with unimaginable loads of attention from at least a dozen adults, big big madelyn fans- i mean, roomsful of adults playing games with just her. like: one person holds her behind the closed door, then opens it and ten adults clap and cheer. or: peek a boo with four adults popping from behind the couch to suprise her. or: her second birthday party, in attendance: fourteen adults, one child. she's garnished quite a following in her three years.

we gave her our undivided attention. we read innumerable books. we taught her to sign. we dressed her up in adorable outfits. we sang our lungs out for her. we gave her no sugar for at least her first 18 months. i made her baby food. i nursed her to sleep for the first 26 months of her life.

we had a schedule. mondays: kindermusik. tuesdays: little gym. wednesdays: story time. thursdays: zoo. fridays: story time. it was baby heaven.

we moved to mexico after that. where the fun is. where the cousins are. and then we added olivia to our little family. (and we don't do kindermusik, little gym, story time or get to the zoo very often. but we do have joyschool, and she loves that.) this last year has been a bit rough for m.j.

and then i tried to send her to preschool.

she loved the first couple of days of it. then she didn't want to go anymore. (remember the deal, if she didn't want to go, she didn't have to?) but oh, but it was so nice to have that break. and i really liked packing up her little snack lunches. and picking out outfits.

apparently she started pulling mercedes braids. and getting out of line while walking to the playground. and singing, loudly, right in the teacher's face while the teacher asked her to stop.

so they told her, 'madelyn, if you keep doing X, we're going to have to call your mom to come get you.' and she said really? with delight in her eyes. and pulled mercedes braids again. (poor sadie. the innocent victim of it all.)

looks like baby girl isn't ready for preschool yet.

we tried to push our baby out of the nest too soon. (just like daddy said.)

she said she didn't want to be at school because mommy and daddy aren't there.

come back in the nest our baby girl. packing lunches will wait.

motherhood: the dirty little secrets.

earlier this week i was lamenting that waking up in a pool of baby throw up may be one of the major unpleasantries of motherhood. (dirty little secret number one.)

enter yesterday. one of those days.

i broke a glass taking it out of the fridge. it was full of milk, which left me wondering, 'how am i going to sop up all this milk and still clean up all the broken glass before olivia stuffs a piece of glass in her mouth?' (of course this happens like ten minutes after my maid left for the day. and just mopped.) nothing new breaking those, my heart is not tied to my glasses. not like my heart is tied~

later that day, i broke my first piece of butler's pantry.

i'm a big believer in not saving the special plates (except my grandmothers china, that is special occasion only!) and i use my set for everyday~

so no suprise then that it broke, full of pico de gallo, coming out of the refrigerator.

sad for the loss of the pico,

sad for the loss of the lenox.

then. (this is other dirty secret.)

i woke up this morning in a pool of baby diarrhea.

and by morning, i meant 3 am, because that is when it happened.

i cleaned the up the perp and threw a towel on the spot,

and slept in it until morning, when i peeled back the towel, the sheet, the mattress cover, and the mattress itself,
and bleached the heckoutofitall. (not to mention the scrubbing liv and i got this morning.)

i have since changed sixteen of the grossest (fullest) diapers of my life.

funny, just this week i've been thinking

it's time for olivia to sleep in her crib.