babies

On a whim I decided to visit my old blog this morning.  I’m pretty floored at how intuitive this draft post actually was.  I’m really happy our family is now complete, and most of all I am happy that our Estella is a part of it.  

*ORIGINALLY WRITTEN NOVEMBER 9, 2009* (saved as draft)

picture by mady,5

f you know me, you know that before i had kids, i only wanted A kid. maybe two.
then my baby mady was born, and you could have signed me up right there for fifteen more. i've since had visions of suburbans and fifteen passenger vans filled with cute carseats lined up in a row and my cherub babies in them. visions of piles of babies lined up at the bar for a snack, in a row changing diapers, just lots and lots of babies.

christian is the youngest of eight. he was ready for fatherhood the day we were married, he's always loved and wanted lots of kids.

before we had any, we settled on three.
then i had mady, and you've heard that part.
so we settled on six. we figured a 2 year space for each, and i'll be done with pregnancy by 37. still late for me but hopefully we'll get a 2 for 1.

on the drive home from our first overwhelmingly difficult overnight trip with all three kids, christian said,

i think i'd be fine with just four.
and maybe we should wait longer between the next one.
i absolutely agreed. it was a rough trip.  we were ready to ditch one out the window.

since gavin was born, i've had the occasional feeling that someone is missing. all the kids will be right here and accounted for, and i will think- where's . . .
but there isn't anyone else. all the kids are right here, but it seems like someone isn't here. like when one of your children is playing at a friend's house, or back in a bedroom, or...

tonight christian told me he got the feeling someone was missing.
perhaps someone is.