kindy mady

happiness. 

 a sad mommy.
 just us, again.

kissing your new kindergartener goodbye is a bittersweet symphony to be sure. 
we followed the excited girl bobbing down the hallway to her classroom, her huge backpack bouncing behind her little body and bright eyes and long legs.  christian led us down the sunny open hallway to her classroom, the very same kindergarten classroom he went to: a huge room filled with sunlight and carpet and desks and colors and joy and letters and numbers and books.  we stood solemnly at the back of the room as madelyn hapily found her yellow namecard and took her seat, she strong and happy, we nervous and reticent, watching the baby we *just* held in our arms testing her wings.  she blew kisses and gave excited smiles.  we stood by: the ones who made her, who know her, who love her, who smile because she smiles.  we hear the symphony of school begin, and know it is time. our goodbyes are sweet and quick, i love you and kisses from across the classroom.   humbled, christian and i walked out side by side, knowing that a lifetime of her leaving us behind has begun, that we are now cheering her on from the sidelines instead of carrying her on our backs.  still we carry her in our hearts all the time.  driving home, our hearts were heavy with our love for her and our eyes showed it.
she is our madelyn and today she is a kindergartener.

my seej, way more than ten kinds of awesome

happy birthday to my favorite person ever!

please skip this next part if you are not him, his mom, his sisters, my mom, grandmother, you bore or dry heave easily, thank you

the short list of my faves about him, gotta whip him up a homemade birthday cheesecake now!

1. he's kind
he really really cares about people and feelings. he treats his workmen, secretaries and our house help with respect and friendship. he has a big, soft and kind heart toward everyone. he always tells us how much he loves us. he calls his mom 'angel mother.'
2. he's spiritual
at times he's definitely carried me. he has a quiet spirituality and devotion that permeates all he is and does. i think his strong testimony is one of the things that makes him such a happy and kind person. he blesses our home with his faith, his strength and power in the priesthood.
3. he's generous
his new favorite phrase to say is "what my bebe wants, my bebe gets." it's kind of kidding, kind of serious. he tells me this whenever i say i want/need something. he is generous beyond belief, never complains, and is supportive about expenses and shopping. this is a wow if you know me.
4. he's fit
he likes to work out and is enthusiastic about green smoothies, salads for dinner, cleanses, etc. . he cares about being healthy.
5. he's happy
all the time. seriously. i think he's been in a bad mood maybe three times since i've known him. he's the most cheerful person i know!
6. he's successful
he works hard and is always forward thinking to provide the best life for our family. we have a very very charmed life thanks to him!
7. he's extremely good looking
lol, not just in an 'i'm married to him so i have to think he's hot but nobody else does' kind of way, but in a 'people stare at him in public and mistake him for a celebrity he's so good looking' kind of way.
8. he's funny.
he's funny. he's engaging. he's fun to be around.
9. he's charismatic.
people just love him and want to be around him. my mom calls them 'Christian groupies.' he's a person that people just like. he has manners, is old-fashioned, and has this endearing gentlemanly way with grandmothers.
10. he's a dedicated father.
he gets down and plays with our babies on a daily basis. he makes jokes and gives them lots of hugs and kisses. he's patient with them. he has a special way of teaching them through stories. he relates to their struggles and joys. he loves to be around them.

my mom says she prayed from the day i was born that i would have a dream husband. she takes full credit for mine.

everyday but especially on this day he was born, my heart is thankful
for him,
his mother, who made him the man he is;
and mine, who prayed him to me!

my love you seejie! happy thirty-three!!

my little pony

after the backyard funeral for her turtles, mady cried (not for the turtles,) but because she worried that she would never have a pet again. the moping continued for about a week. every time christian would leave the house, mady would ask if he was going to bring her home a pet.
on valentine's day, daddy gave mady a real my little pony. she fell madly and instantly in love with her new miniature horse. she named her valentine rainbow diamond. our new everyday routine revolves around frequent visits to see and ride and take treats to valentine. she is barely taller than madelyn, and currently is as fat as she is tall because she is expecting a baby in a month. mady plans to give the baby horse to her baby sister of course, because they're both babies!

best salad ever

who made this salad?
mmmm this is a good salad.
mom, did you make this? who made this yummy salad?
this is the most delicious salad i've ever tasted!!
mady you are the best salad maker ever!
wow, that salad was good!
best salad ever.

barely four, mady made her first salad. by herself. (with a butter knife.) her dad took the positive reinforcement over-the-top, talking about the salad well until bedtime, when madelyn finally asked him why he kept saying that, he had already said it a hundred times?

an early thanksgiving.

it seems like most bad things happen so fast you can't see them coming or going.
i'm on the phone with my mom, loading logs in our wood burning stove and adding a little gas to the slow burning fire. a sharp flash of light and searing heat on my face and thirty seconds later, madelyn is crying "mommy i don't like you like this. i liked you before. i just liked you the way you were before. i don't like your hair like this i don't like you like this"
i am on my knees sopping up diesel spilled thick all over the tile, too overwhelmed with what has happened and too soon to feel any pain, wondering how bad it is and just thankful.
my babies were a room away.
it took me a few minutes to break down. after consoling madelyn that i will look normal again; after a quiet trip to the mirror; after reassuring my mother who waited agonizing minutes on the phone six thousand miles and oceans away after listening to her oldest daughter complain about the pina colada weight she'd gained, that she needs to get those miniboden skirts for mj, then throwing the phone, screaming, hurt.
burned.
i passed olivia to my sweet maid fabi who ran to me (and in her voice i could hear worry, i know i heard love.) i ran to my closet and locked the door and sobbed. i cried because i was scared. i cried because it hurt. i cried because i was thankful i wasn't holding a baby, my hair was pulled back and my glasses protected my eyes. i cried because christian was two hours away and i needed his arms, his priesthood, his eyes, his voice.
i couldn't speak at first, but i knew he would be scared by my crying on the phone, stronger now with fear and adrenaline. i quickly told him everything was okay and i was just upset, finally feeling all the stress and fear of the last few minutes. he listened quietly until i felt better and told me to shower and call him in a few minutes. he loves me.
the shower stream slowed to a trickle and i stood washing out chunks of singed hair and gently soaping soot off my burned hands and face. why today, when i need you. thinking of the water, meaning christian. thinking of all the people in my life who would love me no matter what. thinking of nie nie. thinking of fire. thankful. praying.
out of the shower i can see the kiss of red burn on my lips, my nose. my eyebrows now shorter and misbehaved, a crown of hair burned short and wild around my face. i think for once i have traded vanity for thankfulness.
i wrapped my clean wet hair in a tight bun at the nape of my neck. i carefully smoothed black speckled burn ointment all over the smooth skin of my face. i put on the softest clothes i could find. i pulled out christian's sweatshirt, the one he wore last night with a big smile gliding around on mady's new plasma car. last night, when we had so much fun and happiness and each other and didn't realize. like everyday. i wrapped his soft grey hoodie around me like a hug and missed him some more. kissed these girls that are our love. (but cuter.)
as much as these little burns hurt, it feels good to feel. i am happy in this early thanksgiving. i didn't realize it last night, but it's not just the bad times that come and go so fast. it's the good times too.
christian called to tell me he would love me even if i looked like chewbacca. i know i would love him too.
today i am thankful for love without vanity.

baby come home.

this baby

is coming home today with this baby.

and it is true true love.
baby come home! (and bring the rug.)

so. campy.

missing you mr max jones

it's saturday night and i'm setting the table for sunday dinner. two big plates, two small. three forks and spoons, and it hits me.
there are mornings wives wake up without husbands.

i can't cut an apple for my baby without thinking of the mom who fed her baby snow white a poison apple. the mom who cut the apple too big. the mom who must face the produce section every week at the grocery store.

then my girls are in the bath and i won't leave for a second- no splashes. i heard there was a mother (a nurse,) her baby drowned from a splash.

in two days (sept 15th) it's the 14 year anniversary of the death of my husband's father. he died unexpectedly. the night before he was dancing. you better believe his place was set at the table.

the man i know yet haven't met; the man who gifted his son with kindness and love that blesses my life. i can't help but think of him, not just today but most days. these things remind me of him: horses, strong working hands (christian's hands, his brother's hands,) roping, the smell of rain, cattle, the escondida, the fresnal, the thorn ranch, pool blue eyes, low flying airplanes, kindness without predjudice.

not in fear of death but because of it, i enjoy life
in very very small bites of apple,
table setting without abandon,
and in nice warm baths, no splashes.

we miss you mister max lavon jones.
people who knew you and loved you,
people who love you,
even we who haven't yet met.

the regrettable survivor

i cried at my birthday lunch. in front of my friends. i was feeling sorry for myself, turning thirty, feeling lonely, i was a mess. after lunch, i headed out to the motorcycle track to watch the big state championship motocross races. my hub was racing in the veterans class. a few minutes into the race (and a few minutes before i arrived,) he was hauled away in this ambulance.
when i walked up they told me. i thought they were joking.
driving to the emergency room, i had no tears left.
when i saw him, he was worse than i thought. his eyes were black and bruised and he was shaking. he told me he loved me again and again and again and again. and again. and again.

three days later, my eyes burning from lack of sleep, i reflect on how many times this weekend:
i soaped up his armpits (3)
gave him painkillers and a glass of water but was sure to give him something hearty to eat first so he doesn't get sick to his stomach (12)
put on, changed or adjusted the slings (100)
wondered if he was going to have internal bleeding or some other unforeseen complication and not make it and leave me alone (more than a few times that first 24 hrs)
thanked heavenly father that he is okay (not nearly enough)
spent hours by his side in the hospital bed (25)
held the bedpan (mid-use) and emptied it out (8)

all things considered, his injuries are minimal. (broken collarbone, concussion, cracked shoulder.) he is doing well and he will heal quickly.

regrettably, the motorcycle came out unscathed.

the wedding

meet candice and coby. the happy bride and groom.

after the rehersal dinner, madelyn got the idea to sing: "here comes the bride, big fat and wide." except mady just sang: "here comes the bride, big, fat, wide."

helping candice into her dress. she looked so beautiful.

my mom and dad watching the ceremony. madelyn was the ring girl, and she was unbelievably perfect. she stood by candice and coby the whole time. she just stood there. people said i must have really put the fear in her, but the truth is, we didn't even talk about it. she just knew it was an important job.

mj and i just after the wedding. mady you were just perfect!

welcome to the fam, coby!

sweet little olivia. she was so adorable, down to her little gold shoes.

bridesmaid sisters! thank heavens my stylish sis made sure the dresses were fab. good job bear!

mom's wedding speech. she was purdy.

the sissies. and olivia.

funny grandpa.

candice and madelyn.

dad rockin it out on the bass guitar.
it was a party to remember. congrats candi!

you were just gorgeous! we love you coby! welcome to the fam!