sunday best

olivia would have been in some pictures, but she came out of nursery having removed:
pigtails,
headband,
socks
and her shirt. 

*sigh*, olivia.

and the really cute someone hanging on my legs-

whose kid is this?

catching butterflies!!
honestly it amazes me what little people kids are!  they have their own dreams and personalities and it is really fun to watch them grow and see how they are different (and similar!)  from you.  growing up i never caught a butterfly, i didn't even know you could catch a butterfly until mady started on this endeavor. 

i was visiting with my mother in law yesterday and she was telling me that when she was a little girl she loved hunting and catching tarantulas in the desert outside of her childhood home.  she would set out for the day with a bucket of water, looking for the tarantula holes to dump the water into to coax the spiders out.  she would catch them in a big jar and show them off all day, releasing them into the woods by nightfall.  welp apparently madelyn takes after her grandma christine when it comes to bugs, because you won't ever find me going near any creepy-crawlies on purpose.

just looking at these pictures gives me the creeps a little, but i can't deny the mommy pride seeing my mady catch her first butterfly.  i can't believe she held it long enough for me to catch a picture!  i was terrified that the butterfly would be crushed and there would likely be ensuing drama involving lots of tears and a poor dead butterfly.  despite my worry mady set it back on the flower very carefully and the gigantic yellow and black tiger swallowtail flew off and high into the mexican sky. 

we have this book about the lifecycle of monarch butterflies and we love it because we live in mexico, which is where all the north american monarch butterflies migrate to every year.  since we have read and learned about their migration and live right in the middle of the migration path it was really fun and meaningful for us to be this closely involved in a butterfly adventure, even though it wasn't a monarch this time! 
gotta go, gotta go, to mexico! 

yes, she caught a butterfly by herself.
she's kind of a big deal.

Baby Ballerinas

Olivia has been looking forward to ballet lessons so much that she has replaced her normal footwear (fancy flats) with ballerina slippers in anticipation.  Also any 'princess outfits' are now to be called 'ballerina outfits.'    I fought my strep throat long enough to doll them up and send them off-  I wouldn't ever want to miss the opportunity to see tight leotards hugging cute toddler bellies and slippery cuddly tights over those tiny toes!  I love when they get home and twirl and jump all over the house, showing me how real ballerinas dance.  Madelyn stayed in her leotard until bedtime.  I earned some street cred for remembering the foot positions, although I'm pretty sure I made up fourth position at least. 

kindy mady

happiness. 

 a sad mommy.
 just us, again.

kissing your new kindergartener goodbye is a bittersweet symphony to be sure. 
we followed the excited girl bobbing down the hallway to her classroom, her huge backpack bouncing behind her little body and bright eyes and long legs.  christian led us down the sunny open hallway to her classroom, the very same kindergarten classroom he went to: a huge room filled with sunlight and carpet and desks and colors and joy and letters and numbers and books.  we stood solemnly at the back of the room as madelyn hapily found her yellow namecard and took her seat, she strong and happy, we nervous and reticent, watching the baby we *just* held in our arms testing her wings.  she blew kisses and gave excited smiles.  we stood by: the ones who made her, who know her, who love her, who smile because she smiles.  we hear the symphony of school begin, and know it is time. our goodbyes are sweet and quick, i love you and kisses from across the classroom.   humbled, christian and i walked out side by side, knowing that a lifetime of her leaving us behind has begun, that we are now cheering her on from the sidelines instead of carrying her on our backs.  still we carry her in our hearts all the time.  driving home, our hearts were heavy with our love for her and our eyes showed it.
she is our madelyn and today she is a kindergartener.

perfectly imperfect

madelyn was a perfect baby.
after waiting three long long first time whale expectant mother days past my due date and starting to feel like maybe the extra 50 pounds i was carrying was perhaps not a baby after all, my labor started.  all the fear of childbirth and worry of my inexperience faded quickly.  i had a patient and peaceful and steady delivery, and my mady was born healthy and true.  she was beautiful, perfect and fat.  you could hardly see her nose for the size of her cheeks.  she was creamy and first gray then pink, glowing with vibrance and life.  she was an adorable bundle of all of our dreams come true, bathed and swaddled and capped.  though i didn't realize until i saw the pictures many weeks later, she also looked like she just got punched in the face.

seriously. 
she had red and swollen eyes, black circles, bruised cheeks, and a conehead.  i found out later that christian had consulted with the nurses behind my back about her severe conehead-  he was worried she was misshapen for life.  when i got her hospital pictures in the mail about two months later, i   g a s p e d   when i saw them.  my 'perfect idyllic newborn first professional picture dreams' were not the pictures i held in my hands.  i considered throwing the pictures away!   this wasn't the perfect glowing healthy newborn i remembered.  luckily my perfectionism was replaced by reason.  i kept the pictures.  i now understand how shallow, how ungrateful i was for my completely perfect and healthy (bruised) baby!

five and a half years later, the battered newborn madelyn pictures are amongst my prized posessions.  to me they are the sweetest and most beautiful pictures i have.  my heart swells with love and tenderness for my sweet baby girl that worked so hard to fight her way into this world.  we worked together to fight her into this world.  i love her bruises and swollen eyes.  i love her little conehead.  i love her in her imperfection, and i wouldn't change a thing about how she looked that day.

i think about the role that perfectionism plays in my life.  i think perfectionism is one of the "big ones" that satan uses to tear us down.  discouragement and dissapointment are sure when your standard is perfection.  perfectionism is a distraction from living in the now, from being happy with what you are and what you have in this moment.  i can see it in so many ways in my life, discouraging me and pulling me away from enjoying the unbelievably beautiful and perfect life i have.  in my eyes, Godly perfection is different from the kind of perfectionism sickness i am talking about here.  my search for spiritual perfection is patient and paced and balanced and kind.   as i seek for Godly perfection, i feel uplifted and encouraged.  on the other hand- my frustrating quest for well behaved children, a pristine home, the perfect pumps, the best meal, perfectly placed toyroom, the right drapes, no fewer than two dishes in the sink, perfectly organized cupboards and drawers, sticky hand print free walls- this is what makes me feel crazy and discouraged and overwhelmed and depressed.  it is too easy for me to simply focus on the getting to the destination and not enjoy the journey as i go.
three babies under 5 has made me face the fact that something has to give.  i gave the supermom thing a good run for a kid or two but i can no longer constantly worry about the crumbs on the rug next to my giggling babies.  being perfectly imperfect means having to choose between "good, better and best."  it means worrying more about the babies on the rug than the rug the babies are on or what the babies wear to play on it.

the beauty in imperfection, in gratitude, in patience, in joy, in everything wonderful about life is epitomized in the way i feel when i look at that perfectly imperfect picture of my madelyn.
she was never more beautiful, just as we all are, as we are, to our Father in Heaven.  as we work so hard to fight our way through this world.  as we work together with Him to fight our way through this world.
i want to see the beauty in myself and my life that He does.  in my imperfection.  in my discouragement.
conehead, crumbs, bumps, bruises and all.

miss madelyn is five.

so we partied.

a whole year of mother guilt will buy you
a really, really good birthday party.

(last years party fell through after no less than three scheduling conflicts. this year was the same, but i knew we must party on.)

at one point i heard her yelling from inside the bounce house,
"THIS IS THE BEST BIRTHDAY, EVER!!!"

o wow we had fun.
the girl is set up for a lifetime of birthday disappointment compared to this.

it's a. . . mule???

a quick lesson in farm animals.

horse + horse= horse
donkey + donkey= donkey
horse + donkey= mule
miniature horse + donkey = miniature mule!

we had quite a surprise when we went to see valentine's baby!
it's a miniature mule! it's a boy!
valentine is doing great and is a wonderful mom. the baby was born on mother's day.
we're waiting to see what madelyn names him.
she is currently considering: freezer, bambi, or honker.

o my.

princess valentine

i noticed the tiara appearing on the counter after madelyn's daily visits with her dad to see valentine. then one day, as she was leaving, madelyn said she forgot valentine's tiara.
this had been going on for a week before i found out!

(and yes, still no baby horse yet.)

so it was easter

and we woke up to a chocolate candy breakfast.
headed for church (some of us a half hour late,) after spending way too much time getting ready for sunday dinner and not enough time getting ready for church. the irony is that i missed the sacrament on the day i sent homemade bread for it, because the bread always tastes like laundry soap and i cringe to eat it and the one sunday it didn't i missed it. of course this all comes second to missing the symbolism of the sacrament on Easter. and christian even blessed it. better luck next year.

madelyn looked a picture but once she got onstage to sing with the primary she offered but a scowlfest. upon returning to sit with the family she explained that she couldn't sing because her legs hurt. her legs didn't seem to hurt much the rest of the afternoon hunting for eggs and playing with her cousins. better luck next year.

we tried for the requisite family picture. the self timer and trampoline did not make a good combo. this is definitely not the best family picture ever. better luck next year.
we spent the afternoon with our extended family and had a blast laughing and talking and eating until five hours in, when olivia smashed her hand in the door. she's alright.
we had a perfect easter and i wouldn't change a thing.

look up

so i have resigned myself to the fact that if i want a picture of my girls together, it is going to be near impossible to get them both smiling. or even both looking at me.
but easter egg hunts are definitely the worst time for pictures. babies excited to hunt for eggs will only stare at the ground, run for eggs, and count them again and again (madelyn) because she always follows the rules and she needs to make sure she has her six eggs. luckily livi caught on to the egg hunt after a quick lesson from her dad. my babies won't look at the camera, or even up from the ground during an easter egg hunt- luckily they are almost as cute from the back as the front.