abandonado

before you left tonight i made sure every piece of your hair was curled and glittered. i layered a sweater over your leotard under your costume so every bit of your baby body will be warm in the cool fall air. eat some dinner, play nice with sadie, have fun, i will miss you my love.
sending you out the door, i a dumpy sick mess of pj's and ponytail, you all curly and glittery and fabulous, i realized your life outside of me. i will not always put the last curl in your hair. i will not always be your last kiss of the night. you are growing, and as many times as i ask you (always nicely,) baby, please stop growing, you still do. i feel entitled to your every kiss your every hug your everything because you came from me. though you came from me, through me, and although for a time you are my baby, you are always you. your life is yours and is infinitely connected to mine but not mine. though it would be fun to keep you home in my big bed and cuddle and watch pooh's heffalump halloween movie together, for you there is fun to be had and trunk or treating to do.
when you were new to toddling around and you were the smallest boss this house ever had, you would cry if i stepped outside to see if it was snowing, to check if we needed sweaters, to get the mail. your cry, with all the emotion an abandoned baby could muster, would pierce my heart through the door and i would rush to you, hugging you, telling you over and over that momma's here, momma didn't go. and i didn't.
now you're the one on the other side of the door. my heart misses you my mady, not just for this hour without you, but for all the vibrant life you're going to live away from me.
now i know why you cried like that when i left you on this side of the door.